Shining Light on Internet Rage – Appendices

I’m posting some additional resources from Shining Light on Internet Rage that were too long for the main piece:

Return to Shining Light on Internet Rage.

Cast of Characters

  • The Blogger is author of a feminist advice blog. She wrote a post in May labeling me as entitled and criticizing the original essay.
  • The Woman on Twitter, a fan of the blogger. She posted tweets at her ten thousand followers which made personal attacks and initiated the online harassment against me. She’s also an advocate against harassment and has written essays encouraging Twitter to do more to stop harassment on its service.
  • The Guardian columnist. A freelance columnist who wrote a post in July comparing me to the Isla Vista mass murderer.
  • The Geek Advice Columnist. Wrote a very critical against the original essay.
  • The Technology Columnist. Called me an “entitled crybaby” and implied that Medium.com should censor Cutoff Culture. Recently wrote an essay condemning harassment on Twitter.
  • Emma, the ex (not her real name) that I wrote about in the original essay

Selected Letters About Readers’ Own Cutoff Experiences

F: I’m Rob’s mum and I wish to say, on behalf of his dad and myself, that we are so glad that we’ve found your blog. We have been helping Rob as much as possible since he broke up with Jess and sometimes we get stressed! We didn’t really understand at first why he was unable to put it behind him, but he did start to explain his feelings and when I read your blog it just seemed to resemble Rob’s situation. I don’t really know what else to say, without going on and on about it, but Rob is going to the spa with his dad in a couple of weeks. He is also sorting out a yoga class and we’re glad that you have given him inspiration to beat this. So thank you for all your help, it really feels like we’ve got someone else on our side.

F: Thank you for telling your story in the Cutoff Culture article. I was cutoff over a month ago and am still rattled (what did I miss? how did I not see the end approaching? why am I randomly crying on planes and metro?), going over conversations, and trying to piece together the why of it all. I’ll definitely try some of your suggestions, especially increasing my dark chocolate intake and spending more time with my dog. Thanks again for having the courage to share.

M: I’m a film producer, … VERY happily married … I have 4 amazing kids. I just read your article and just wanted to say that several times in my life I’ve identified exactly with what you had to deal with. Good for you for pouring it all out there and dealing with it the way you did. In my life, I’ve lost my father at 17 and just lost my sister 5 months ago and I can safely say that the loss of a lover/confidant in a relationship was much worse to deal with. I know, sounds crazy, but with a death there is still hope for something later…They leave you with a million wonderful memories. However, when a person leaves you or “cuts you off” they are in a sense trashing every memory you ever had, telling you those memories were worthless and making you feel like you were not good enough – Or at least that’s how it feels at the time. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for putting it out there like that. I’m certainly at a point in my life where I don’t need it, but I definitely know others could use your kind and wise words. “Emma” would be lucky to have you.

F: I just wanted to send a message thanking you for your article about the cut-off culture, and tell you how helpful and meaningful it was for me. I went through an experience of being completely cut off without knowing why, and went through a year of crying every day and with people who were not understanding of my pain or why I felt I couldn’t move on– especially when I didn’t even understand why there was no communication. To see that there is some explanation and that other people have experienced this, was very helpful to me. So thank you, so much.

M: I just wanted to thank you for the article about cut-off culture. It was an extremely useful read, and it helped me feel more connected/understood! Thank you thank you thank you.

F: I just want to say THANK YOU for openly sharing your heart and thoughts about our cutoff culture. I was abandoned by my fiance just 2 months ago and have been dealing with PTSD/Depression and Anxiety. I am brought to tears that someone can sympathize with my deep, primal pain and even more comforted since you are a male (the impact is not gender biased). I am doing a lot of reading and have been seeing a counselor in an effort to figure out what happened and to attempt to piece myself together. Thank you again for generously sharing your experience! I know it’s not easy.

F: Just wanted to send a little note to say how much I appreciated your article today RE: cut off culture. Experiencing a tough break up, one which, I was completely cut off. My mother recently passed away and I have a long history with her of emotional abuse and it left with me strong abandonment issues to face. The breaking off with my boyfriend, especially him being away of circumstances has really hurt me – more than I can express. Kept searching for an answer and it DID hurt me more when people would just tell me to get over it. It has been a month and I still cry everyday… It goes really deep…

Research of Childhood Trauma and Abuse and Risk Factors of Intimate Partner Violence

In fact, a great deal of  research shows that early trauma and childhood abuse are key risk factors for men to later commit intimate partner violence (IPV). A systematic review of ten studies (1) “all…found an association.” Another reported (2), “A statistically significant graded relationship…between the number of violent experiences and the risk of IPV … [up to] 3.8-fold for men.” And another (3): “showed that past victim experiences, especially physical abuse, was associated with … psychologically controlling behavior and … sexual violence.” And another (4): “10 of the 12 childhood adversities were significantly associated with [Partner Domestic Violence] (PDV)…Assessment of a broad range of childhood exposures may help … guide prevention efforts.” And another (5), “Traumatic violent experiences in childhood, such as physical and sexual abuse, frequently led to … arrests for a spectrum of crimes.”

1. Childhood experiences of violence in perpetrators as a risk factor of intimate partner violence: a systematic review

2. Violent Childhood Experiences and the Risk of Intimate Partner Violence in Adults

3. Association of Violence Against Partner and Former Victim Experiences: A Sample of Clients Voluntarily Attending Therapy

4. Adverse childhood experiences and risk of physical violence in adolescent dating relationships

5. Traumatic Childhood Exposures in the Lives of Male Perpetrators of Female Intimate Partner Violence